Difficult Meeting

Do you have to have a meeting with someone regarding a topic that you’re uncomfortable about? Are you unsure what you’re going to say? Are you concerned about how they may react? Are you simply nervous because you don’t like confrontation? You’re not alone. Most leaders have had these concerns because it’s natural to have them. The question is is there anything we can do about it?

Thankfully the answer is yes. For starters, we can stop putting pressure on ourselves that everything has to be perfect. That’s just not possible. So the faster you acknowledge this, the easier it will become. Next, address it as promptly as possible. The longer you let the meeting linger, the more time you have to think about it and scare yourself. Some leaders scare themselves to the point that they cancel the meeting and never address the issue.

So once you commit to having the meeting no matter what, the next step is to shift your objective for the meeting. Majority of leaders feel the pressure because they have settled on the exact objective of the meeting or better yet, the required outcome. So what ends up happening is that no matter what the discussion is, their only focus is to get to the predetermined outcome. This causes leaders to miss critical points of the meeting because anytime a topic is introduced they become nervous because the meeting is not going where they want it to. Don’t get me wrong, every meeting should have an objective, but getting to that objective should NOT be the focus of the meeting.

The focus of the meeting should be to meet, have a discussion, and connect about whatever the topic may be—simple as that. We need to be free to allow the other side to share their thoughts and ideas and allow the discussion to take shape. This does not mean talk about sports when you need to discuss performance, but it does mean that we need to be comfortable hearing their perspective, whatever it may be regarding the topic at hand. This makes some people uncomfortable because they’re not sure if they will be able to respond to what is brought up. So what, what if you can’t? I’m confident that you will not find in any job description a statement that reads: “must be able to respond quickly and accurately to every question or comment made.”

We must be comfortable to say “that is a great point. I didn’t consider that previously. I’m glad you mentioned it; it gives me a new perspective on the situation. Do you mind elaborating further?” Having this ability is what makes managers leaders versus having an answer for every comment made.

Lastly, a lot of leaders struggle with how they will start the meeting (because of the pressure they have placed on themselves). What has worked well for me is to be open and honest about my feelings, worries, emotions, shortfalls, etc. As a leader we do not have to be all mighty in our feelings and concerns. I’ll start with something like this: “Thank you for meeting with me. I have to be honest; this is a very difficult meeting for me to have. There is a topic that we need to discuss that is not easy to talk about. It has to do with [insert topic] and I would like to start by trying to understand your position or thoughts regarding this topic.”

I have found that by opening up and showing my vulnerability it diffuses the tension of the meeting. Then by allowing them to share their perspective first it removes the pressure off of me to say “all the right things” at the beginning of the meeting. And once the discussion begins, the objective is to have a discussion and connect. You’ll be amazed at the outcomes if you focus your objective on having a discussion and connecting versus any other predetermined outcome you may be shooting for!

Leader's #1 Priority

I recently had the privilege of discussing what a leader’s number one priority is. The leader I was speaking with shared that ultimately his job is to make his boss look good or make his job easier. His second priority was to support his colleagues within the organization and that his third priority was to support his team and give them what they need.

I agree that all of these are essential to successful leadership. It is imperative that your focus be on making sure that you are an asset to your boss not a hindrance. Every leader appreciates the subordinate that makes his job easier by providing reports ahead of schedule, bringing solutions to challenges, driving constant process improvements without having to be asked, etc. All of these items make your bosses job easier which he or she appreciates and ultimately you look good in their eyes.

It is also important to work with your colleagues versus against them at every turn. Not being a team player impacts you, your colleagues, your boss, and the organization as a whole. Sooner or later, someone along this chain will have to address your unwillingness to be supportive, putting them and you in an uncomfortable situation. So making sure to help and work well with your teammates definitely should be something a leader focuses on.

With regards to supporting your team, I submit that this is your number one priority! The two points above are critical to achieve and I believe you can only achieve them if you have a solid team. You can only attain a solid team if they feel cared for. A team feels cared for when their boss makes them the number one priority. You make your team the number one priority by giving them most of your precious time. You make your team a priority by committing to develop them and hold them accountable to achieving their absolute best. You make your team a priority by making sure they understand that you can’t make your boss look good or be a team player with your colleagues without them!

If your team falls to number three or lower on your priority list, it will not be long before morale begins to decrease, performance and productivity begins to flat line or worse, begins to decline, conflicts begin to surface, and turnover starts to increase. And before you know it, you’re left by yourself to try and make your boss and colleagues look good, and I assure you, doing it alone is not easy. Make your team your number one priority!

The Good and the Bad

There are a lot of exciting aspects of being a leader. There are a number of external components that many leaders are attracted to such as recognition, increased pay, and responsibility. There are also the internal aspects that are attractive such as being fulfilled by the challenges that leadership presents, continued development of your skills and abilities, and achieving the goals you have set out to achieve. But being a leader is not exclusive of the difficult situations that you will encounter.

I often meet with individuals who have oversight over others that are discouraged by some of the things they have to work through in their roles. These challenges include counseling’s of employees, terminations, being accused of poor leadership, and poor performance to name a few. I fully agree that these are difficult and as a result bring on many types of emotions that you experience as you advance through these types of situations. They are not easy and we all prefer to not have to experience them. However, if you didn’t experience them, you probably wouldn’t be in a leadership position.

So the faster we are able to come to an understanding that these types of situations will take place, the faster we can begin to change our mind set to start embracing them, versus shying away from them. Each time you were faced with a challenge, whatever it might have been, and you hesitated to address it head on, more than likely you would agree that it didn’t improve over time. As time goes on because of your hesitation the negative impact on the individual, yourself, your team, and ultimately your department or organization will increase. And even more importantly, you still end up having to deal with it. So why not commit to addressing the bad that comes with leadership as quickly as possible?

Embrace the challenges of being a leader. Embrace the emotions that come with having challenging meetings. Take time to reflect on how you feel and why. Appreciate the fact that your emotions are evidence that you care, that you’re a leader and that you’re in a position of value. Begin to think positively about the obstacles in your way. Develop and practice new ways of addressing conflicts. Study great leaders and learn how they handle the not so exciting aspects of their roles. Challenge yourself that the moment there is a sign of conflict in any area, you will address it immediately.

You will learn that the faster you address conflict the easier it is, the issue at hand has not had time to mature and evolve and as a result it is easier to deal with. You will learn that the people working with you and for you will become accustomed to your quick response which automatically alleviates majority of the uneasiness that comes with addressing anything negative. You are a leader, and that means leading when things are good and leading when things are bad, because that’s what leaders do!

Who Deserves It?

Is it you? Do you deserve the credit for leading your team? Are you the one to thank for the success your department or organization has achieved? Of course! It is you who provided the vision, policy, and made all the decisions that helped you achieve all of your goals! So naturally you deserve the credit for being an amazing leader. Where would your team be without your direction and wisdom?

Your team would more than likely be a lot more successful without you, than with you at the helm. If your outlook on your departments or organization is like the one described above, you operate from Position Leadership versus Servant Leadership. And if that is the case, I assure you your team can fair a lot better if you were not in their way. Position leaders have a way of directing all great things back to them—including the work their team has accomplished. Servant leaders are always looking for ways to help their teams be successful and ultimately give them the credit for their success.

I wrote about the difference between Position Leaders and Servant Leaders some time back and defined each role. The bottom line was and is—you can’t do anything without your team. If for one minute you believe your success is because of your ability, test your ability without anyone around you. See how productive your department or organization is if you are the only one left to get the work done. The reality is that the more people you lead, the less you impact the bottom line.

It is your team that processes requests, meets all customer demand and provides outstanding service. It is your team that starts early and leaves late to ensure every task is accomplished. It is your team that executes every directive or decision you make—good or bad. Never fall into the trap that you are more than what you actually are, and as a result deserve the credit for your team’s efforts. YOU are only as good as YOUR TEAM…they deserve all of the credit, not you!

If you're interested in developing in this area, John Maxwell wrote a great book titled The 5 Levels of Leadership, the first level being Position. I'm sure I don't have to mention that the goal is to get to level 5 and not stay at level 1. You will notice as you read through the book that the closer you get to level 5, your focus will shift from you to those around you, the people who deserve it.